Some key strategies should be kept in mind when dealing with difficult behavior. These strategies help achieve the greatest improvement with the least amount of effort or stress.
Develop Clear Expectations
Parents must be very clear how they expect their children to behave. Think of it as a target with the ideal behavior being in the middle of the target. A long list is difficult to target and remember. A goal of respect is easier to identify. It is crucial for parents to decide exactly what they consider appropriate behavior for any given situation.
State the Expectations Positively
Expectations should be stated in terms of what the child is expected to do instead of what the parent hopes the child will avoid doing. “Sit at the dinner table with all four chair legs on the floor, please,” tells the child what the desired behavior is. Saying, “Don’t lean back in the chair” doesn’t provide any information about what the desired behavior looks like. Tell the child exactly what is expected and there is less room for misunderstanding. This is also a much more positive approach than continually saying “Don’t!” or “Stop!” or “Quit!”
Teach the Expectations
When a child doesn’t know how to tie her shoes a parent or caregiver must show her how. When a child can’t add two and two don’t get angry with him, teach him. When a child doesn’t behave appropriately the first response should be to teach the child the expected behavior. Stating, “Clothes are in drawers or on hangers, bed is made, floor vacuumed and trash emptied” provides the child with a much clearer picture of what is meant by a clean room. It is more effective to demonstrate for the child how to make the bed, how to hang the clothing and what order to do the steps in the child’s room rather than merely prattling off a “to do” list from the kitchen.
Affirm Children When They Meet Expectations
Children crave attention especially from the important adults in their lives. They will even misbehave in order to gain this attention. Giving attention to the child when he does exactly as expected is rewarding to the child. So often, parents ignore times when the child is behaving appropriately only to scold the child when she does the wrong thing. The reverse should be true.
Children need to be recognized and affirmed when they meet the parent’s expectations rather than gaining the parent’s attention when misbehaving. If a child seeks attention and the only time she gets it is when she misbehaves then the misbehavior will continue to be encouraged.
Discourage Problem Behaviors
Generally speaking, children do what works for them. If they get what they want by screaming, pointing and grunting they will not learn to use their words to say “Please” and “Thank you”. Focus on recognizing the appropriate behaviors to discourage problem behaviors. Taking time to re-teach the correct behavior during a time that a child might otherwise be playing with friends or doing something fun is another way to discourage negative behavior.
Short consequences with a goal of re-teaching behavior are far more effective than extreme consequences such as grounding a child for a week or two at a time. These consequences are easier to enforce and more appropriately matched to the child’s misdeed.
Use Information to More Effectively Address Behavior
The next step for parents is to pay attention to what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes certain approaches work for a bit of time then they no longer seem effective. By paying attention and keeping track of patterns, as well as noting what has worked and what seemed ineffective, parents inform themselves about the next steps to take in dealing positively and proactively with their child’s behavior instead of simply reacting.
Once parents develop and teach the expectations, being sure to recognize appropriate behavior while discouraging inappropriate behavior, parents can begin to take notice of what methods and approaches seem to work with their child. This process can greatly diminish the routine behavior battles. By implementing these strategies consistently parents can drastically improve the behavior of their children and reduce the stress and frustration associated with common misbehaviors thus ending the behavior battle once and for all.
Catherine A. Brasseur - Cat A. Brasseur is a certified elementary public school teacher and currently teaches 4th grade in a Title 1 school in a small city in ...
